Dream [Fade Out.]

At times I can't believe
That after all these trials,
I've found exactly what I
was looking for. When I
see your face the numbing
Starts to subside, the
Reality that is you washes
Over and consumes me.



A part of me stands defiant,
In disbelief -- you can't be
real, I allude to myself. If
I'm pinching myself and this
Is a dream, I am so far
Gone that I no longer exist in
A waking world. If this is
Just a dream then let me
Sleep. Let me fade out.

Dig --

I fought -- and I fought --

To keep my head --

But here I am --

Heart on sleeve --

Living the same mistake --

The same numbness inside.

I loved -- and I loved you --

When I wanted to run --

To keep everything inside --

Under my control, my skin --

I've suppresed the notion --

Only to give in.

I've made my bed -- owned my mistakes --

Pursed my lips and sighed again --

Every moment I take --

Digs closer to my home --

Into this hole I've dug --

Unearthen are my sad mistakes.

[where]

This is where I am --
This is where I should not
be. Treading treacherous waters
completely alien to me. In the
end it was my decision,
no one else's to be here.
As I choke on the waves
and call out your name, looking
for who to blame, another wave
crashes, pushing me deeper
and deeper still, into my mind, my
own oblivion. This is where I stay.

This, this is where I am.

Altar

Altar.I

Many listless hours in, the stone altar stands firm.
Not a single flamed kissed the cold granite
For many ages; as this would imply sustained life.
Dust gathers, spiders spin until doldrums
Set in; Such a barren place traps nothing.

Altar.II

A cool breeze blows, the altar stands exposed.
Blood-stained, lye-soaked but still unclean
For my efforts; bound to a past of crass mistakes.
Times passes, the worlds spins its axis
In circles; while this cavern stands firm.

Altar.III

Repetition is key, the altar foolishly learned.
Form surrounds and engulfs, bringing a sense
Of order upon it; an empirical existential dilemma.
Wills imposed, the world around has spoken
Its creed; variation means uncertain destruction.

Altar.IV

Time has lost all meaning, the altar simply is.
Questions unanswered, an answer would simply
Be lost in time; fallen upon the deafest of ears.
Exist here, understand self-chosen exile from
the heart; a loveless altar misses not its flame.

Altar.V

A smile from the horizon, the altar glows red.
The spark of life, bursting upon the scene 
Causes it to falter; a lone ember burns softly.
Fight as it might, this altar cannot stand firm and
face down the flame; awash in the familiar sting.


Altar.VI

The flame burns on, the altar's form confines.
A burning sensation, alien from cold but
forgotten desires; welcomed back home again.
Form cannot sustain, the burning has taken a
Firm grasp; options thinned to flesh and bone.

Altar.VII

Form is lost -- the inferno rages.
The infectious warmth
Brought to life
An Altar
Long-past forgotten.

[bruisesXscars]

Would it be childish if I said
That I wanted you -- Wanted to
Know your scent, to know
your touch? I want to take
your bruises in with my scars,
and absolve ourselves from
our bleeding misfortune of
a world that we call home.

With your trembling hand
in mine, we could sit back
and watch the world as it
explodes around us, illum-
inating the fire in your eyes.
I'd be complete to know that
I burn inside your heart.

[sky.]

There is a certain
Lack of light
In the sky today.
The collective mind has shut down,
Spinning on its axis has
Damaged everything
Beyond reasonable repair...
If there [really] was reason,
Do you... See reason,
Or do you see what I see;
A broken axis still spinning,
With nobody in control

Album Rewind: Vehemence | God Was Created

I've decided to trek through some of my favorite albums of the past few years and write about them. While I can't assure nothing but musical analysis, instead I can offer why these albums are interesting to me. If I'm talking about it, of course the music is going to be to my liking, but sometimes what really brings an album together to me is the whole; is it, as a whole a composition? Are there underlying themes? How well-placed are the tracks? Much, much more. So, I'm going to start this off with the CD I had in my car on the way home from work today, and always a favorite after a rough day when I feel like just taking a nap or destroying something:


Vehemence | God Was Created

My relationship with metal is a strange one; as a kid growing up, I was always attracted to heavier, darker music. But I reached an age where I decided that metal didn't make sense anymore, that it was cheesy, full of cliches and was immature. While I still believe that this is more or less the case with a lot of it, the good metal is different and will not only help you let off some steam, but always take you some place musically that other forms of music are afraid to explore. When I got back into metal, it was very much about Black Metal and Thrash Metal, with some Death and Grindcore thrown in. Eventually, I decided that Death Metal was just a twinge too brutal for me at times, without any real hooks or trying to be musically deep.

Then I heard Vehemence. Vehemence is brutal, brutal, brutal. Growling, guttural vocal attacks mixed in with anguished screams, pounding drums, punchy basslines and brutal to beautifully melodic guitar work is what makes up Vehemence. In 2002, Vehemence released their second album, God Was Created, and it floored me. Their first album was good, but didn't hold my attention all that well. This album was different, not only was it a well-crafted album, it was a concept album delving into the mind of a troubled teenage boy at odds with himself, religion and having any sort of healthy relationship. It is an album that lyrically is not only dark, brutal and disgusting, but about self-discovery and realization, maybe even self actualization in a way.

No doubt, this album was released during the height of my militant anti-God, atheist stance on religion, and fueled many a passionate rant on society and religion, but thankfully it has held up even as I've passed through the tunnel into agnosticism. The album starts off with a frantic but clean guitar line, which is quickly interrupted by Nathan Gearhart's passionate cry of "JESUS!" accompanied by Vehemence's musically brutal riffs providing the stark contrast that you'll come to know and love throughout the album. The twists and turns the song takes, accentuated by the revving scream of the lead guitar are only the beginning of the journey.

Musically, there is a theme that they return to a few times, a riff they'll revisit at different times in the album, different progressions in the main character's descent into madness and clarity, with the early climax coming in the aptly titled "Christ, I Fucking Hate You!" as the music and lyrics take a turn from self-loathing and disparity to hatred and denial. The calm doesn't come until "The Last Fantasy of Christ" gives the listener a brief break from the brutality of the last few tracks to contemplate the experience so far. While the break isn't long, the interlude in the song is one of the absolutely shining moments of the album; "Even if you did exist, you'll never know what happened to us... You died before it even began..." is spoken before the rest of the band decides to unleash themselves upon you, the listener again.

The album's climax begins at the title track, "God Was Created," introducing listeners back to the musical theme again, as well as the character coming to his conclusions about God, Jesus and religion; "I am my own savior!" -- as well as -- "God was created by human minds!" -- and -- "You are your own God/I am my own God!" The folly of the main character is realized now, as there wasn't anything controlling him but his own foolishness, as the classical guitar to round out the brutality of the title track brings us into the unifying tracks with enough of the brutality and melodic guitar work to bring the entire album together and make it, as a composition, not only whole, but incredible.