Whispering.. Wondering..

[lonesome.song]

As I fall deeper and deeper,

I feel my heart shatter --

Into a million little pieces.

Not knowing your touch,

Or smelling your scent

Leaves me wondering why;

Scratching at the doors

And picking at the bindings.

I try to pick up the pieces,

As to not be lost without you;

Instead I find myself whispering

To you in my sleep, wondering

If my voice can carry that far,

Or if your ears can hear the sounds

Of my last lonesome song.

[midland]

The pumpjack stands --

Ominous on the horizon

As the sun melts through my soul.

A hazy lack of understanding

Plagues me as I tend to my mind

In misunderstood silence.

The trail of smoke and reason burns

Without my consent yet again,

Bending my will and contorting my mind.

This was never my intention,

But instead my affliction,

As I'm cursed to walk through life alone;

My stark atonement for opening my eyes

To a world that wishes to remain unseen.

I see.

I see people and feel guilty. A part of me feels bad for them, for what they know and don't know. It isn't pity or loathing as much as it is a cold indifference. People are sad.

How am I expected to integrate with them if I don't see any value in them?

I miss my friends.

[more.]

I'm disconnected through your smile --

Haunted by the sound and the fury

Of your laugh. Enchanted again by

The look in your eyes, the pounding

In my head and the throbbing of my

Heart. My signals are shaken not stirred.

Knock three times if this is for real.

Knock two times if you want me.

Knock me unconscious if I'm still alive.

Not that I'd be able to tell, but when

I decided to lose myself I found you,

Wondering if I'm too far gone to be

Saved. A penetrating truth is needed

While only a vague nonsensical smile

Is playing out as my spirit guide. It

Is never enough to simply be, there

Always has to be a catch, always

Has to be an overwhelming sense

That there is more, always more.

If I ask nicely, may I have some more?

[someday.]

Someday -- This is my biggest fear --

That I'll find myself a reason to care.

Maybe I'll awake and realize that my

Misgivings were simple premonitions,

Pissed away by a self-preserving and

Self-destructive impulse inside of me.

Tomorrow -- A day I can't imagine --

If I was supposed to be something,

It isn't supposed to be tomorrow, it 

Was forgotten just like yesterday.

Just like today. Just like every other

Day that my eyes refuse to open.

Yesterday -- I said that I was sorry --

But I'm only sorry that I didn't hurt

You sooner; letting myself relish in

This ceremonial bloodletting, embracing,

by the ounce, every bit of pain you

Let me show you of this world.

Today --Today I tried to live, again --

Only to find that I've lost the plot,

I'm really not the man I wish to be;

Sad, brittle, broken and lost without

my paddle -- the paddle I cast into the 

Sea, so why won't you just pity me?

Someday -- It'll be the day that I realize --

That I'll need to love myself to care.

Maybe I'll awake and realize that I

Already have, always have, that the

World just forgot to embrace what I 

Was -- Just whatever they weren't.

[grenade.]

I realized, not too long ago

That I was nothing but a lost

Little soldier, exiled to a non-

Existent war. I've watched

Everything play out in front

Of my shallow eyes, only to

Realize that I was twenty-six

Hundred miles away from it all.

An existential dilemma wrapped

Up, neatly, inside of a thousand-

Yard stare; A victim of a self-

Imposed case of shell shock from

A hand grenade I haven't quite

Learned to let go of yet. The pin

Keeps calling to me, like the itch

That I could never reach. I won't

Be happy until I've burned all that

I was right down to the Ground.