[surface.]

I wish that I could die in your arms tonight,
But it is your decision and its taking you
Far too long, for my tastes and your own.
Sure, I’ve fallen before and of course, I’ll fall
Over and over again; that alone my decision. 

Maybe I’ve bled out enough to show that I feel;
Or maybe I’ve yet to scratch the surface now.
Either way I realize the blood only flows in one
Direction; solidarity in a cleansing stream of red
In hopes that it touches you where I can’t. 

Tonight I want to gaze into those eyes, feel 
Your lips and the breath of your laugh and fall,
Once again into a place where I’m comfortable
With the voices crafting my cruelest actions
Knowing I’m not the only one who can see them.

Can’t I rest my head a while in the warm embrace
Of your smile and feel like if even for a moment,
A fleeting memory, that it is with you that I belong? 

[locust.star]

So I'm thinking, and I'm thinking that I need to cut down some weight. I need to be at least a Cruiserweight instead of a Heavyweight. I'm not fond of looking in the mirror and seeing Frank Mir post-accident with his gut and all. I wonder why I haven't worked out since November and where my head is at, but I'm not sure that it matters anymore.

Everybody gets all worked up in the New Year and sets these lofty goals that they never intend to even give a fair shot, they look back at how awful the previous year as and how this year will be different, will be better. If I ever wonder why I let myself go this time, I just reflect. It has nothing to do with any sort of year, years are arbitrary if anything. A calendar change means nothing to me. I just want to get better.

July my father died and I've never truly felt pain like that before, and if I have I've been able to block it out. I've been doing my best to get over it, but one doesn't just get over something like this. I got that promotion that I deserved from work, but what does it matter? It was a year too late and in the end it doesn't help anything. I had a carrot dangled over my face when I was bleeding and asked to compete. I can never turn down a fight, even if there is no way that I can win, that is just the nature of the beast. I found out that I was close, so very close, but still didn't make it, but what does that matter if nothing changes for me?

I met a girl that I respected, a girl that I thought the world of. Things got heavy and they got there fast, it was what we both wanted, but when it came down to it, it was too much for her and shit that was good is shit that doesn't exist anymore. My true nature, the locust star, never stops shining the light of existence. There's a lot of stuff and things will always be heavy.

That is just what you are. Accept it.

[the.world.needs.a.hero]

The world needs a hero,

And I fear that it isn’t me.
All that I’ve wanted is to
Be your hero; hold you close
to tell you that its always
Going to be alright. We both
Know that it isn’t, and who
Are we fooling? Maybe that
Is why the world still needs
A hero, and I’m stuck inside
Of the darkness of my mind.

[lips.to.a.flame]

[lips.]

When your lips met mine,
The layers melted away,
The world was put on hold.
Your hand slipped into
Mine and for once all of the
Pieces finally fit. I find
Myself, lost, once again,
This time in your eyes as
You stare back at me,
Myself stripped bare, naked,
Without fear. I stare back
At you, nothing more than
Myself; trembling, shaking,
Alive again, all from your smile.


[flame.]

Now its daybreak and all
The butterflies have left;
Seeking the flickering of
A still burning set of flames.
Its because you are broken,
And I am scarred. My trail
Of blood and reason ran
through me, you were but a
Brief passerby; a tourist
of my maligned desires. If I
Could find a way, I'd blame
Myself for thinking I could
Rest my head from all of my
Weary days. But I'm covering
Up again, Shivering, Cold.

[ashes.]

I'm wondering if the sun will shine again,
Because I've been blind for far too long.
The stars stopped speaking to me or I
Just believe that I've lost my language.

I spoke in tongues and now I speak in maths,
Neither one has led me to the reason.
I'm bloodless and numb, you're ashes in
my mouth. Sorrow never knew its home,
Now it has found its way back to me.

If I'm not lost then I'm not sure that I
Can really be found, You're ashes in my
Mouth and I can't breath this air anymore.

No words.

Through all of the bullshit, I realize that I'm not ready to let you go. I realize that none of this makes sense to me and it won't for a while. So many thoughts have gone through my head, and now that I'm trying to collect them I'm overwhelmed; I don't really know what to say.

Mary called me this morning, and I knew that Mary had no reason to be calling me at 8:11 on a Monday morning. My gut wrenched as I walked through my office so I could call her back. I knew they were just returning from Europe, and my first thought is that something happened to both of them, or just to Pam.. But if so my dad would be calling me, not Mary. They thought it was a heart attack, my stepmom found him on the bathroom floor not moving or breathing. He was rushed to the hospital where they kept trying to stabilize his condition, but nothing was working. I drove home solemn, I kept my sunglasses on because the tears were streaming down my face.

He'll make it, people survive these all the time. Every day people survive heart attacks. People, worse people who lived selfish, cruel lives have survived them. My step father, who holds a special place in the depth of depravity survived two of them, my dad was going to be fine, I thought. Except that it wasn't a heart attack. It was worse.

My dad had a brain aneurysm and it hemorrhaged. The next time I spoke with Mary she explained this, and explained that they asked if a brain surgeon should be brought in, but then there would be a 5% chance of survival -- brain dead in a wheel chair for however long he could sustain. As I type this, my father is on life support, as my sister explained to me, his chest still heaves up and down as his lungs pump air throughout his system. He lays there, serene, hooked up to a life support system, long enough so they can harvest his organs to be donated.

I'm across the country and I can't get there until tomorrow and I'm not even sure how I'm feeling. I realize that I'm slipping tenses here, but I really don't care.

Dad, there is really so much that I want to say, and I know that I can't, that it is too late. You spent your entire life dedicated to helping everybody else and nobody ever had the chance to help you out in return. I know this is how you would of wanted it; you wouldn't of wanted to put other people what they put you through. Yesterday you brought your sick Aunt that you've taken care of for as long as I can imagine a set of rosary beads that you bought for her at the Vatican. You were always there for her, even when nobody else was. They all visited her when she was alright, but you were the one that took her from hospital to hospital, that was there every day that you could be. The same with your mother, you were always there while everybody else kept their distance and waited.

You never gave up and you never would have. I remember those nights that you spent sleeping on a sleeping bag on my floor because my mother was trying to provoke you so she could get custody of us, and I remember how every night you cried yourself to sleep when you thought that I had already fallen asleep. When a little over a year and a half later I decided to go back and live with her because I wasn't happy with your life decisions you didn't stop me, and when that fell apart you didn't raise a single objection to taking me back.

All I can really hope for is that you were happy these last 10 years. I love you. I am going to miss you.

Whispering.. Wondering..