[surface.]

I wish that I could die in your arms tonight,
But it is your decision and its taking you
Far too long, for my tastes and your own.
Sure, I’ve fallen before and of course, I’ll fall
Over and over again; that alone my decision. 

Maybe I’ve bled out enough to show that I feel;
Or maybe I’ve yet to scratch the surface now.
Either way I realize the blood only flows in one
Direction; solidarity in a cleansing stream of red
In hopes that it touches you where I can’t. 

Tonight I want to gaze into those eyes, feel 
Your lips and the breath of your laugh and fall,
Once again into a place where I’m comfortable
With the voices crafting my cruelest actions
Knowing I’m not the only one who can see them.

Can’t I rest my head a while in the warm embrace
Of your smile and feel like if even for a moment,
A fleeting memory, that it is with you that I belong? 

[locust.star]

So I'm thinking, and I'm thinking that I need to cut down some weight. I need to be at least a Cruiserweight instead of a Heavyweight. I'm not fond of looking in the mirror and seeing Frank Mir post-accident with his gut and all. I wonder why I haven't worked out since November and where my head is at, but I'm not sure that it matters anymore.

Everybody gets all worked up in the New Year and sets these lofty goals that they never intend to even give a fair shot, they look back at how awful the previous year as and how this year will be different, will be better. If I ever wonder why I let myself go this time, I just reflect. It has nothing to do with any sort of year, years are arbitrary if anything. A calendar change means nothing to me. I just want to get better.

July my father died and I've never truly felt pain like that before, and if I have I've been able to block it out. I've been doing my best to get over it, but one doesn't just get over something like this. I got that promotion that I deserved from work, but what does it matter? It was a year too late and in the end it doesn't help anything. I had a carrot dangled over my face when I was bleeding and asked to compete. I can never turn down a fight, even if there is no way that I can win, that is just the nature of the beast. I found out that I was close, so very close, but still didn't make it, but what does that matter if nothing changes for me?

I met a girl that I respected, a girl that I thought the world of. Things got heavy and they got there fast, it was what we both wanted, but when it came down to it, it was too much for her and shit that was good is shit that doesn't exist anymore. My true nature, the locust star, never stops shining the light of existence. There's a lot of stuff and things will always be heavy.

That is just what you are. Accept it.